i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So much rum. So many feels.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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