Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
