I accidentally had phone sex last night
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
