I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
