Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
