I faked an abortion last night.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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