I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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