I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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