oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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