And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
