oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
