i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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