Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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