note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
