You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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