dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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