i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
