If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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