You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
