she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
