Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
