what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
