she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
