Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We have started to decorate penises.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
