I met the friendliest cop last night
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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