I'm gonna have a badass scar
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
