I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
being pregnant is like rehab
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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