finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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