My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
