Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
