sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize