I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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