The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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