he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
