In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
