The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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