i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
