You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
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