i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
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bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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