the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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