i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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