I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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