a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
