I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
