Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
