i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
