I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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