My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
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We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
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There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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