I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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