Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
