hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
