I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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