i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
