Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
