Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
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Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
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